Every year, the Oscars are the biggest night in the movie industry, but let’s face it — they’re super boring.
Listening to actors and actresses talk about themselves for hours wears on you, so we decided to come up with an awards show of our own. We took the categories from the Oscars and applied them to the NBA season so far, which turned out to be a lot of fun.
You don’t realize how many ridiculous things have happened in the NBA until you sit down and hand out awards. With that in mind, here are the winners of the 2018 NBA Oscars.
Best Directing
Winner: Steve Kerr letting the Warriors coach themselves
Arrogance? Laziness? Genius? Kerr steered us through a raging flood of emotions when he made the controversial decision to allow the Warriors to coach themselves against the lowly Phoenix Suns. The result was an easy Golden State win (of course), but it sparked a fierce Twitter debate about whether Kerr was insulting his opponents — then everyone remembered it’s the Suns, so who cares? Kerr gets the award because there’s no better directing than getting others to do the directing for you and then taking all the credit when it works. Take notes, Paul Thomas Anderson.
Best Original Song
Winner: “LaMelo Ball,” by Lonzo Ball
This was a hotly contested category with fire spewing from the mouths of Damian Lillard and Victor Oladipo all year long, but none of their tracks match the raw emotion of Lonzo Ball’s homage to his 16-year-old, 92-point scoring, Lambo-driving, Odell Beckham-haired little brother, LaMelo.
With lyrics like, “Melo dip, in the Lamb dippin’, got his own shoe cuz it’s only fitting, Big Baller Brand yeah we do it different, this was all part of Big Baller’s vision,” Lonzo really makes us understand what it’s like to drive a Lamborghini and have your own signature shoe under your father’s clothing label at such a young age — a topic far too long ignored by the music industry.
Sadly the track didn’t make it onto Lonzo’s “Born 2 Ball” mixtape that dropped in February, but that just adds to the mystique of the soon-to-be rare LaMelo laudation. Lonzo also has a track called “LaVar,” on his mixtape, but we’ve searched high and low for the “LiAngelo” song, and it just doesn’t exist, making LiAngelo the only BBB male not to get a song named after him — classic middle child. He’s basically the Jan Brady of the Ball family.
Best Visual Effects
Winner: LeBron’s behind-the-back nutmeg of his own teammate
What kind of sorcery is this? No, really. We need explanations. After I watched LeBron James do this, I started looking into Kyrie’s flat-earth theory because everything I know about physics has been called into question. Like, seriously. What even is this?
You could get stuck watching this GIF for hours and still not have one clue what the hell is going on. We were wondering when CGI was going to enter the NBA, and apparently the time is now.
Best Costume Design
Winner: Russell Westbrook
In 1964, Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart fell short of the words to describe pornography, instead stating, “I know it when I see it.” Wonder what he would say about Westbrook’s choice of outfit to the Wizards game in late January.
Westbrook’s peek-a-boob look garnered much attention, and made all of us think twice about throwing away that old crew-neck sweatshirt covered in moth holes.
Best Actor
Winner: Marcus Smart, back-to-back flops on James Harden
Flopping has become a common occurrence during NBA games, but it’s rare that a flop actually determines the outcome of the game. So when Marcus Smart flopped on back-to-back possessions to draw two offensive fouls on James Harden and won the game for the Celtics, he locked up the Best Actor trophy.
Smart is like the Meryl Streep of the NBA Best Actor category, with more nominations and wins than we can count. Next year we’ll have to give him the lifetime achievement award.
Best Original Writing
Winner: “Jahlil Okafor Should Be On Your Radar RIGHT NOW!!!” by Jahlil Okafor
The Players’ Tribune has given a voice to players that didn’t used to exist, and athletes have chosen the forum to discuss powerful topics like politics, sexual abuse and America’s gun culture. But you have to give credit to Okafor for using the site for a completely different reason: To big himself up after being traded from the Sixers to Brooklyn.
The title is wonderfully self-aware, an allusion to the subject line of an email that his father sent to Duke when Okafor was in eighth grade. But it’s the first line that cinched the writing award for Okafor:
“If you really want to understand me, we gotta start with Air Bud.”
Done and done. Give that man the trophy.
Best Foreign Language Film
Winner: The Balls go to Lithuania
We really didn’t have a choice here, because what an absolute fiasco this was. When LaVar Ball sent LaMelo and LiAngelo to Lithuania, it could only end one way: With them taking over the whole damn league. What followed was a sideshow the likes of which has rarely been seen. And IT WAS SO WEIRD.
They were greeted with this:
That song was up for original song, but it lost out to Lonzo, who was very prolific.
And the court looked like this:
I mean, are you serious? The whole tournament was like that, and it was streamed on Facebook. And I watched all of it. During work hours. Because this is where we’re at.
Best Editing
Winner: James Harden, banishing Wesley Johnson to the ethereal plane
When James Harden starts dancing at the top of the key, pack it up, it’s game over. It’s like watching a super computer process, and whether you love or hate him, you know he’s about to embarrass somebody. So when Harden started tap-dancing with the through-the-legs dribbles with Clippers’ Wes Johnson on him, we knew something bad was about to happen. We just didn’t know how bad.
This is a two-fer in the editing department, because the way it was cut it looked like Johnson was actually dead. What LeBron did alongside Tristan Thompson was amazing, to be sure. But there is nothing like some good ol’ disrespect.
It was a worthy chapter to add to the Clippers-Rockets rivalry going on, even if it didn’t involve secret tunnels. But anyone that has this done to them is going to have beef once they’re resurrected.
Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Kyrie Irving’s untucked jersey
Kyrie Irving is already a human highlight reel, but once you add in an untucked jersey it’s guaranteed points. It’s the second-scariest thing in the NBA for a defender, only to the aforementioned dancing from Harden. And I’m not the only one that’s noticed, although I am one of them.
Everyone knows his shooting goes up to 99 when the jersey comes untucked.
All of these were good roles for the untucked jersey, but here’s why it won:
Especially the move at 0:57.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Winner: Andrew Wiggins, keeping the 2000s alive
I really do love the cornrows. They’re such an underappreciated style. Josh Jackson deserves a shoutout for the fro, but Andrew Wiggins channeling the likes of Latrell Sprewell and Allen Iverson to keep the cornrows alive is my favorite underdog story in basketball. More than that, he’s actually good!
Wiggins’ Timberwolves are heavily in playoff contention, and it’s due in no small part to Wiggins. He’s averaging 17.9 points per game, and with Jimmy Butler injured he’s doing more on offense. The Wolves are an extremely fun team to watch, partially due to their youth, but I’m watching because Wiggins makes me feel like it’s 2005 again.
Best Adaptation
Winner: Cleveland Cavaliers’ post-deadline
You’ve got to give the Cavaliers credit. They saw a problem at the trade deadline, and they turned their entire team on its head. The Cavaliers dealt an underperforming Jae Crowder, a devastatingly disappointing Isaiah Thomas, an aged Dwyane Wade, an AWOL Derrick Rose, plus Channing Frye and Iman Shumpert to get Jordan Clarkson, Larry Nance Jr., Rodney Hood and George Hill.
Since then, the Cavs are 5-3 and sit third in the Eastern Conference. However, the moves weren’t about standings. It was about making a title run. LeBron has been giddy about the acquisitions, and the newcomers have been immediate contributors. Cleveland was an excellent team, and it cut its losses with Thomas. It was a move that was mocked, but people weren’t laughing when the Cavaliers blew out the Celtics a few nights later.
Best Live Action Short Film
Winner: Clippers-Rockets secret tunnel debacle
This had it all. In-game drama, Austin Rivers, Clint Capela as a trojan horse, Chris Paul leading the Rockets on a daring expedition through the Staples Center, Blake Griffin existing. It was probably the best night of basketball ever, solely because of how stupid it was.
The fact that Rivers was the source of all the drama was stunning, because Rivers shouldn’t be starting any drama, period. Griffin and Mike D’Antoni were also part of the beef, with Griffin running into D’Antoni and D’Antoni taking offense.
Rivers didn’t even play, and he still kept talking trash. The Clippers ended up winning the game 113-102 (the Rockets have lost one game since), and that’s when things got good.
After the game, Paul led the Rockets through the Staples Center’s tunnel system, while Capela knocked on the front door of the Clippers’ locker room. Paul and the Rockets tried to sneak through the back, but to no avail.
The sequel was pretty bad, with the Rockets blowing out L.A., but it had a few more comedic elements involved.
Best Picture
Winner: Dwyane Wade’s winner vs. 76ers: “This is still my house”
You can’t beat the classics. Dwyane Wade’s remake of “this is still my house,” now with an updated, neon feel, has been an iconic moment of the 2018 season. Wade was traded to the Heat at the deadline, in a homecoming to end all homecomings. Miami Vice jerseys flew off the shelves, stars rejoiced, I might have cried. Then this happened:
If this is Wade’s last season in the NBA, it’s a tremendous way to close out a Hall of Fame career. He may not be the scorer that he once was, but Wade proved with this shot that if he wanted to, he could give Heat fans memories when he’s 90.
This one was a tear-jerker, but with how happy Wade is to be home, how can you not romanticize basketball?
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